campy's porn shack

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 10/10

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:33:59 GMT

TITLE: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday"
AUTHOR: campylobacter
CATEGORY/PAIRING: Daniel/Vala
RATING: NC-17/Adult to PG-13/Teen, depending on the chapter
STATUS: complete
SEASON/SPOILERS: post-Continuum
ARCHIVE: Permission granted; drop me a URL if, for some reason, you aren't afraid to archive it -- I'll link to it from my blog.
GENRE: humor; romance: het, first time
WARNING: Implied bisexuality (Jack/Daniel); language: f-bombs, the c-word... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Don't act like you're hurt and wank at me.
SERIES: none
WORD COUNT: 13,244

DISCLAIMER: Stargate: SG-1 characters belong to MGM; any others are fictitious scenery and resemble your mom.

SUMMARY/SYNOPSIS/PREMISE: After an unexpected guest drops by, Daniel's apartment is never the same again. (The Home Crasher Trope meets archaeo-linguistics and pirate-goddess sexual mayhem, in that point of character development after Continuum.) Only enough plot to sustain the slap-slap-kiss porn.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1/10: The Front Door Rattles (PG-13/Teen) [1137 words]
Chapter 2/10: You're Trashing My Place (PG-13/Teen) [1181 words]
Chapter 3/10: A Point of Resistance (NC-17/Adult) [1109 words]
Chapter 4/10: Two Doorposts Beneath a Lintel (R/Mature) [1220 words]
Chapter 5/10: How She Wears My Name (NC-17/Adult) [1358 words]
Chapter 6/10: The Precarious Bed (NC-17/Adult) [1496 words]
Chapter 7/10: Something Simple (NC-17/Adult) [1149 words]
Chapter 8/10: Choke and Throttle (PG-13/Teen) [1189 words]
Chapter 9/10: Dining on the Spoils (PG-13/Teen) [1306 words]

Chapter 10/10: 100% Down (NC-17/Adult) [2099 words]

I pull her inside the house and kiss her forehead, her eyes, her nose, her chin, her neck, until she whimpers in impatience and kisses my mouth. The infectious, untamed desire to behave inappropriately on private property guides my hands down her back to her backside, which I grasp to pull her as close as possible. We stumble over the blanket I'd dropped in the blind two-step to find a wall to lean on.

"We're gonna get interrupted again unless you call the realtor," Vala whispers against my lips, and then I hear touch-tone dialing. She's looking intently over my shoulder, and the beeps dominate my left ear.

"What are you—?"

She holds my cell phone to my face, and I hear ringing. "Tell the agent to cancel all showing appointments to this address because you're buying it. My bank in Singapore can transfer the full cash amount as soon as their Monday begins. Let's not bother with that mortgage-escrow-nonsense."

"Whoa-ho… wait a minute." I reach up to cancel the call, but the agent picks up. I tell him my name and the address of the property; he puts me on hold, to vapid music. "Vala, how can you afford to pay cash for a four-bedroom house on one-point-six acres?"

"I bought 10,000 shares of AIG when it was penny stock, watched it rise to $1.14." She insinuates her fingers into the waist of my pants and tugs up my t-shirt. "Sold short when it reverse-split 1:20." Her palms contact the bare skin of my sides. "Bought back in when it floored around $11, and just sold for $45 per share. I'm not poor, Daniel." Her hands brush light, feathery strokes on my abs.

"And you learned to play the market by reading fashion magazines?" I pull off the band binding one of her pigtails.

"Stock market, black market, what's the difference?" The fingers of each of her hands tap a symmetric pattern on my ribcage. "It's just a matter of securing reliable intel."

"Where exactly did you get the intel?" I let the wavy strands of her hair weave through the fingers of one hand while undoing the remaining pigtail with the other.

"After my abduction incident," she palms my pectorals, grazing my nipples, "the mission reports and dossiers related to the Trust were useful not only for jogging my memory, but for—"

"Dr. Jackson?" The easy-listening instrumental ends and the realtor clicks in. "Did you wish to view the property again?"

"Um, no, I've decided to buy it. Please start the paperwork." She pulls my shirt higher to trail kisses down my stomach, and I concentrate on not stammering. "100% down, cash. Is Monday good for you?"

Monday is more than okay for him; we set a time before hanging up.

Vala, strangely distracted from my body, is scanning a realty flyer she must've found on the floor. "This house has a wine cellar?"

"I was so sure you'd find the thermal windows more interesting."

"And what 'tufted wool carpet'?" She looks at the hardwood flooring.

"Upstairs, master bedroom."

She dashes up the stairs while I'm trying to fit the phone into a pocket that's inconveniently next to the raging erection she's given me.

"Bring the blanket," she calls down as I shut the front door.

Nag, nag, nag.

"I heard that."

"We're just looking around for a few minutes, then leaving," I call up the stairs, before following. We're not going to have inappropriate sex on someone else's property. It wouldn't be appropriate.

Her boots are off, and she's standing in the middle of the largest bedroom on the second story, peeling off her pants. "You were saying something about dessert, Daniel."

"The dining room's downstairs." I close the bedroom door behind me, and lock it.

"Glad to see you've brought the blanket," she laughs, then with a coy tilt of her head, says, "Please be gentle with me; it's my first time."

"Um, yeah." I try to maintain a straight face. "I promise." I pitch the blanket at her, which, despite her quick attempt to catch it, causes her lose her balance on the foot not stepping out of a pant leg, and topple to the floor.

"I'm naturally quite graceful, you know," she explains, gracelessly wrestling her foot from leather and a sock.

"Sure you are." I kneel and grab her face, plundering her mouth with my tongue. Her arms slide around me and pull me against her with a desperation built over the three hours since we last made love. I move my hands into the dark mass of her hair; as the cool, glossy locks glide between my fingers, she moans and runs her hands under my shirt to rub my back, creating a frisson that rockets up and down my spine.

"More skin. More… hot," she pants, trying to pull off my shirt.

"Okay." I pull off her top. Her nipples are already erect. "Don't you normally wear a bra?"

"Are you complaining?" She plasters herself against my chest after she helps me remove my shirt and glasses.

"Does complaining get you naked faster?" I lick a spot behind her earlobe, anticipating the gasp it causes.

She recovers, shuddering. "Not as fast as you not complaining."

I draw my tongue down the banquet of her body, feasting on the subtle changes in the flavor and fragrance of her skin, from the metal and butter of her neck and throat, to the cider and spice of her breasts and belly, to the exotic blend of a Samarkand curry found only in fable and the curls well below her navel. She's delightfully responsive to the slightest breath or touch of my tongue, and I haven't yet sampled the real dessert. Pausing to inhale the perfume of that dark orchard, I reach for the blanket, still in some semblance of a folded roll, and slide it under her rump to cant her hips upward.

"That's a better use for that blanket than what I had in mind," she says, threading her fingertips through my hair.

"What'd you have in mind?" I pull the panties off her legs.

"Oh, just protecting our lovely carpet."

"A lovely carpet it is," I say, nuzzling.

I part her thighs to plant a garden of kisses along the twin columns of her legs, the skin there as smooth as her voice, skin brushing lips, voice brushing ears, thighs clasping my head until I can't tell the fruit from the song, her voice blooming in a phonemic bouquet: the German umlaut over o, the vowel in the tonal dip that lifts the Thai feminine petition ka, and that weird French triphthong in fauteuil that I could never pronounce.

My slow exhalation mingles with the heat of her flesh when I drag my tongue along the outside folds, the ineffable texture blending into scent and taste, brine slick as fallen tears shed on a bisque altar, delicate bisque flowing down my tongue, sliding deeper to blend with—

"Please, Daniel..."

"If you insist." I run my tongue along her inside folds. She arches her back and plants the sole of her foot between my shoulder blades to keep me from moving away. Like that's gonna happen.

Her moans indicate that what I'm doing is either bang-on or too slow — maybe both. I slip a finger inside her; she reacts instantly with a cry and a hand fisting the blanket. I lick higher, closer to the underside of the nub, the tip of my tongue on the meatus, working my hand around as the fluids of her arousal spread onto all my fingers. With my smallest finger, I massage the puckered opening of her ass.

She groans and twists her hips, trying to position her clit where my tongue is.

I slowly, gently insert the cream-slick finger into her anus.

"Daniel." My name in a ragged rasp escapes her lips. "You bastard. You glorious bastard."

I move my hand back and forth, one finger in each hole, her natural wetness more than sufficient to maintain the frictionless motion, aided by my tongue dancing around her clit, without contacting it. Yet.

Her breathing hitches into irregular gasps; she nearly crushes my head with her thighs. I flick the blade of my tongue on her clit, and she groans, shudders, stiffens, releases a warm rush of fluid down my chin, down my hand.

It's more than I can bear; I wrench my belt buckle open with the other hand, unbutton, unzip, push down the clothing that's in the way, and pull out an erection hard enough to break a granite cartouche. As Vala's climax throbs against my face, I moan and stroke myself.

"Do it, darling," she groans. "Put it in."

I lift my reluctant face away from the moist, honeyed feast, and sink myself into her. The tight, luscious heat creates that familiar, beautiful agony of ecstasy: the conflicting desire to stay in one place to relish the receptacle versus the urgency to thrust and build the pleasure to an unbearable point.

"So… good… so…" she stammers between each push, "now the other place."

Hello, she wasn't kidding about Greek. "You sure?"

"Shut up. Do it."

My cock is covered with more slickness than two people could possibly exhaust; I slowly withdraw and press the head against her ass. "Ready?"

She nods, bears down, and I enter, slowly, caref—yes, oh gods yes, oh hell yes. If the vagina is a warm, wet fist, or the mouth a slick hot ring with a moving tongue, then the anus is an impossibly tight ring that wrings my shaft with singular purpose.

"Let me drive," she breathes, and I nod. Her eyes are still hazy as she slides herself up and down and rides the spasms of some prolonged, mind-bending orgasm that only goddesses experience. My heart skips at her beauty: the tumble of dark, wanton hair framing a finely sculpted face, the large, wide-set, mist-colored eyes full of variable light, the expanse of smooth, ivory skin over the lean, svelte body of a mythical nymph.

Mine, all mine: a primal, carnal wish that defies higher thought processes, years of academic re-conditioning, ascetic denial. I can't hold off for long; this is my first time penetrating a woman this way. Jack's beauty gives me the strength to endure without him; Vala's, the knowledge that I shouldn't live without her. Cognates: the same, but different.

Slow thrusts into her are barely enough to keep me poised on the edge. I search for indeclinable Sanskrit and Ancient adverbs in the intersection of our bodies, where language is spoken in skin and sweat and need. Iti, ita: thus. Iha, hic: here. Idanim, autem: now. Suddenly the granite cracks; I fragment into wordless, sharp shards graven in a transitory monument, planting runes, scattering light and dust into a dark, deep underground.

I'm not sure who's yelling, she or I, but if anyone's within a mile radius, they'll know that Daniel Jackson has done Vala Mal Doran six ways 'til Sunday, and doesn't do it silently.

Maybe I passed out, but the next thing I'm aware of is kisses on my face, giggling in my ears, long, black hair above me, my back on the floor.

"Tomin never…" she sighs.

"Sha're wouldn't." Oh, crap. I don't kiss and tell.

"My enhanced interrogation techniques are finally working." She's kissing and tasting herself on my face.

"You're the one who confesses to holding an offshore bank account after being bought off with a cheap meal." Well, not so cheap—it cost almost fifty bucks in groceries. "Tell me your IDC."

"It's the same as yours, silly. But they change it every week." She leans back, then plops a large book on my chest.

"What's that?"

"Someone left an old phone directory in the room." She places my glasses on my face. "Let's see, we need to shop for a new bed that you can't break…"

"Oh god, I am so doomed." From this angle, I can see outside the window that it isn't just one quaking aspen applauding, but two. My chest starts to shake.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Reminds me of a charming hymn in the Rig Veda about Lopamudra seducing her celibate husband Agastya—"

"Yes, Daniel, I saw the notes you scribbled in that Devanagari book I sat on last night." Vala keeps the phonebook on my chest before lying on top of me, then scoots herself up until we're nose to nose. "You do enjoy pornography, but it's the kind that doesn't have pictures."

[the end]

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 9/10

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:09:48 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 8/10

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:26:17 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 7/10

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:47:29 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 6/10

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:18:04 GMT

TITLE: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday"
AUTHOR: campylobacter
CATEGORY/PAIRING: Daniel/Vala
RATING: NC-17/Adult to PG-13/Teen, depending on the chapter
STATUS: complete
SEASON/SPOILERS: post-Continuum
ARCHIVE: Permission granted; drop me a URL if, for some reason, you aren't afraid to archive it -- I'll link to it from my blog.
GENRE: humor; romance: het, first time
WARNING: Implied bisexuality (Jack/Daniel); language: f-bombs, the c-word... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Don't act like you're hurt and wank at me.
SERIES: none
WORD COUNT: 13,182

DISCLAIMER: Stargate: SG-1 characters belong to MGM; any others are fictitious scenery and resemble your mom.

SUMMARY/SYNOPSIS/PREMISE: After an unexpected guest drops by, Daniel's apartment is never the same again. (The Home Crasher Trope meets archaeo-linguistics and pirate-goddess sexual mayhem, in that point of character development after Continuum.) Only enough plot to sustain the slap-slap-kiss porn.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1/10: The Front Door Rattles (PG-13/Teen) [1137 words]
Chapter 2/10: You're Trashing My Place (PG-13/Teen) [1181 words]
Chapter 3/10: A Point of Resistance (NC-17/Adult) [1109 words]
Chapter 4/10: Two Doorposts Beneath a Lintel (R/Mature) [1220 words]
Chapter 5/10: How She Wears My Name (NC-17/Adult) [1358 words]

Chapter 6/10: The Precarious Bed (NC-17/Adult) [1496 words]

"Oh, the downstairs neighbors are gonna love that." I let my forehead drop between her breasts.

"Told ya the couch was better."

We gingerly extract ourselves from each other and the precarious bed, but not before the sound of insistent knocking and doorbell ringing begins. I take my time pulling on boxers over an excruciating boner.

"You're not letting this turn of events cancel the festivities, are you?" She lounges on the floor, like a wanton in a Goya painting, as if she belongs there.

"If we rent a hotel room, you'd trash that, too."

"Hey, I'm not the only one here who ruts like a wild beast..." she calls after me as I walk down the hallway.

I hide my lower body behind the front door as I unlock it to the Prozac-addicted trophy wife from Down Below; the reek of overpriced perfume, hairspray and Hennessey invades my foyer.

"This is the last straw," she grates through her lipstick-smeared teeth. "I'm sick and tired of you disgusting faggots pounding ass when I'm trying to sl—"

The sight of Vala — grinning widely, without a stitch of clothing — leaning on the wall next to me, silences her tirade. Vala winks at her as I close the door.

"Did she just call us a bundle of sticks?"

"It's... pejorative slang for male homosexuals." I continue past her look of bewilderment. "Firewood."

Agape, she tries to find words. "Wha— But... they burn people here, too, for being different?" I watch the hurt in her face harden, fend off the memory of Ver Ager.

"We're past that, I hope." I trace the frown lines between her brows. "Not sure of its exact etymology."

Her expression smoothes, then changes into a smile. "Now those cryptic text messages on your mobile from General O'Neill make sense."

I feel a headache coming on as the tension in my body leaves my groin and travels upward. "Speaking of my cell phone... I don't recall turning it off to charge it last night."

She cringes. "It might not have, ah... remained plugged in."

“Dammit, Vala. I knew I’d regret this.” For a fraction of a second, her smile falters, so I try to continue in a more casual vein. “Look, I’m having coffee. You want some breakfast?”

"I, I need to freshen up,” she says, heading for the bathroom. “I'll eat after."

Which she does. I'm standing on the balcony and sipping coffee, surveying the view of suburban sprawl when she joins me, shamelessly nude, pulls down my boxers and licks my balls.

"Muh— ma, che minchia!" I almost miss finding a flat surface to set down the mug.

She could be a graduate of the Jack O'Neill School of Giving Head or, more likely, professor emeritus, because she doesn't use her hands, and starts by lapping me everywhere except the point aching for it. The post-grad bonus is the feel of those amazing tits rubbing my thighs. I almost suggest we take this somewhere more private, but she's so set on getting acquainted with my crotch that it would seem rude. If she tastes herself on me, she must be enjoying it for all the moaning — or maybe it's my moaning...

She's done with the foreplay and the head of my dick gets that red hot mouth, lips pulling up the foreskin, tongue swirling between it and the tip, then the slow, steady sliding up and down the shaft, the tongue a lush, slick underside sensation enjoyed for almost a minute until ya wan ya daru her hand gripping my ass macht euch bereit the neighbors'll really hate me now vengo a casa everything interrupted bursts out in a paratactic, righteous rush sha-sheh atayu fireflies behind my eyelids resorberet she's a swallower.

I've been leaning against the rail— no, now it's the building. She stands, gliding her body up the length of mine, and kisses me. Through the lingering flavor of my Mandheling roast I taste what she didn't swallow, and she makes me suck her mouth until it's gone.

"Um, wow." My glasses are crooked. Everything looks weirdly dreamlike and feels dreamily weird. "I owe you one."

"You owe me much more, Daniel, but I'm fine for the moment." Vala grins and inserts two fingers in my mouth — two wet fingers that taste like she brought herself off while blowing my brains. Not a dream, and not a dream I wanna wake from.

I reach for the mug. My coffee's still hot.

On the guest bathroom floor, a wad of pink elastic string that passes for panties catches between my toes. A crumpled heap of leather and nondescript fatigues drape over a pair of boots in a chaotic still life, portending a change I can't quite comprehend.

"Vala, you're more than welcome to use my washer and dryer for these." I scoop up the pile, vaguely disturbed by the domestic blandness of the offer. She's in the kitchen, breakfasting on a banana.

"You can launder leather?" The banana gets a slow motion porno treatment.

"Um... well, no, but the other clothes should come..." (damn banana) "clean just fine."

For some reason, I find myself doing her laundry.

While Vala attempts to set the bed aright, I shower and shave, a routine that suddenly seems not as routine as the thousands of times I'd done it before. Any moment, I expect her to take advantage of the opportunity to play around in the water — I'd even left the door unlocked — but I'm oddly uninterrupted.

I finish and wrap a towel around my waist, then peek into the room. The bed frame leans against my dresser, apparently irreparable without advanced carpentry tools, and Vala's not there.

In the den, I replace a few of the books spilled last night, pausing to consider whether to keep Egyptian Hieroglyphic Dictionary, Part 2 by E. A. Wallis Budge. It feels lonely, like an old man in a rest home, valued in his day, now forgotten for being obsolete. Through the near wall, I hear the muffled sound of my next door neighbor's son yelling at her as I return the book to its usual spot.

Vala's sitting outside on a balcony chair, wrapped in one of the down comforters I use in winter, sipping from a steaming German beer stein incongruously dangling a Japanese tea tag. I watch her through the glass. Propped on her knees is the battered, water-warped book that was my constant companion during a fall semester as a wide-eyed undergrad: The Time Falling Bodies Take to Light by William Irwin Thompson. More passages are underlined, highlighted, or annotated than are unmarked, and Vala's squinting, trying to make sense of my handwriting. She keeps flipping back to the first page of the prologue, "The Time Light Bodies Took to Fall", and my facile diagram of the mythic cosmos as perceived by a sophomore. On the opposite page, one of my unspeakable attempts at poetry, where I clumsily rhymed "mythopoeic" with "noetic", attests to the correct decision to abandon a major in English. If I interrupt her, maybe she won't notice the couplet pairing "ontology" with "philology".

I clear my throat.

She looks up, startled, and quickly hides the book inside the comforter with her. "Oh. H-hi. It's such a beautiful morning out here."

"I'd never have guessed you were a closet folklorist." I walk out to join her.

"With a subtitle such as 'Mythology, Sexuality & the Origins of Culture', how could I resist?"

"Since when did you become interested in my library?"

"You don't write in the books at your office."

"Well, mainly because most of those books are classified, or government property, or not from..." I wave a finger to indicate the entire planet. "Here."

"I'd always thought you'd merely read them, not had a dialogue with them."

"Books and I have a long history..." I think I can see her bare shoulders shivering in the crisp morning air. "Don't you wanna come inside and take a warm shower?"

She shakes her head, tucks her lips inside her mouth.

"Why not?"

"I— because..." She falls silent, turns her back to me.

"If something's wrong, please tell me."

Her shoulders lift as she takes a deep breath. "You're taking me back to the mountain. Along the way, you'll tell me you regret what's happened." Her voice drops, and I strain to hear the rest of what she says. "You'll ask me to pretend that none of this ever meant anything. I— I can't wash you off as easily, Daniel."

What the—? "Vala, you think I'm messing with you?" I put my hands on her shoulders; I can feel her shaking.

She shrugs me off. "I don't know what or why or when with you. All I know is what you do, because what you say — whether with all the words in your mouth or printed in your books or carved on ruins — contradicts how you truly feel or what you'll actually do."

. . .
Italiano: (loosely) "What the fuck?"
Goa'uld/Abydonian: "Behold (thy god), kneel (before thy god)."
Deutsch: "Make ready the feast."
Espanol: "I'm coming home."
Abydonian: "The sandstorm approaches."
Latin: "She swallows."

Next Chapter 7: Something Simple (NC-17/Adult) [1149 words]

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 5/10

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:46:30 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 4/10

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:05:48 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 3/10

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:24:14 GMT

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 2/10

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:45:04 GMT

STARGATE: Not writing Daniel

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:33:32 GMT

I've been working relentlessly on a 10-chapter PWP ("Bookends") written in Daniel's PoV, but the deadline for the other story I'm writing for the dv_exchange is coming up fast: 20 December.

So I start working on my DV Exchange draft, because I know I'm a slow writer, and I breeze through 1317 words in one hour as if my muse were dictating it straight to me! OMG. The catch? It's written in 3rd person, Vala PoV, past tense. o_0 The DV Exchange story I plan to write is maybe around 3 chapters, 3000 words, with only one smut scene (instead of 6) so I'm about halfway finished!

Yes, it's Daniel's fault, as always, for over-analyzing my poor muse and offering his 2 cents on creative mythology and symbolism when I give him control of the story, but Vala's a joy to work with. I love her.

FANNISH: I gotta get sick more often...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:53:01 GMT

One of the nice things about feeling a little under the weather and running a low-grade fever is the CRACK FANDOM DREAMING.

Oh yeah, poor me, getting bed rest, having dreams of General Jack O'Neill having his way with me in the middle of the 'Gateroom (why there was a king-sized bed at the base of the ramp, I have no idea) and the looks on the faces of the SFs as we're, um, yeah...

And then there's the one where I'm Vala, cradling an infant, being spooned by Daniel in bed when there's a huge crash in the kitchen because their two other kids are trying to make waffles...

And the one where young Kirk & Spock are necking on the bridge of the Enterprise when they get visited by the older Kirk & Spock from the future, who reassure them that their love will span decades...

And finally, the team from Stargate Atlantis take me out to a BBQ joint and General Landry is sitting all by himself at another table waiting for his order, so we invite him to our table. (And I've only seen like, 2 episodes of SGA.)

SGU: I watched an episode, AND I LIKE IT.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:08:50 GMT

Bumming off a temporarily stable, unsecured WiFi node that my neighbor doesn't bother to lock down, I watched episode 7 ("Earth") of Stargate: Universe through Hulu, and I LIKED IT!

BWA!

Granted, there's no sense of Team that you have in SG-1, but I'm used to watching a series where most characters are antagonistic toward each other (X-Files), so I can deal.

I still get confused by all the Harrid-Sallis body switching, because I don't know who all the characters are, but I'm enjoying that the communication stones allow 2-way switching when their activation is synchronized at both ends. How they compensate for the sidereal delay during FTL travel is beyond me, but I guess it's addressed in another episode?

SPOILERS:

The ep I saw was "Earth", and Richard Dean Anderson was in it (without Jack's sarcasm WAAH), Lou Diamond Phillips looked hot and is in a sex triangle (OMG, a threesome canon, O! the slash possibilities), and there was a rather explicit sexual scene of TV nudity where the woman is on top climaxing when her doppelganger husband gets switched back, and a poignant scene with the geek getting female attention when he's in a stud's body, and then there's this Stargate that freaking spins -- the whole 'Gate spins -- and there's a lit-up ball at the top!

And the spaceship has cannons that shoot orange energy beams! And the ship looks huge! And there's lots of people and they eat together in the mess hall.

I am so watching this show from the pilot, now. When I can get a good broadband connection.

OK, when do aliens appear? And guns? Explosions? And more Ancient technology?

STARGATE: Thank you ma'am, may I have another?

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:54:59 GMT

cleothemuse knows what I like.

Snowflake cookie? Nah, leather WHIP!

And to copy tafkarfanfic, I'm spreading the Stargate SG-1 and SGA holiday cheer with the most awesomest fanfid ever, that you need to watch again because I know you've seen it. And if you haven't it's worth the time to load it.

STARGATE: Vala Genfic Challenge

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:43:09 GMT

Vala fans have been challenged to write at least 100 words of non-ship fan fiction about Vala Mal Doran for SG-1 Gen Fic Day, with a 5 January 2010 deadline. Ha! Like that's a challenge? Even I've written a "noromo" drabble.

The twist to this one is Alphabet Soup, where an author picks a letter for the title. There are 6 left: E J N Q U Z. cleothemuse and a few others have offered to exchange her letter if that will help with sign-ups. I've chosen X, and I ain't givin' it up.

Ah, genfic... why would I read it? I mean, I love sex (it's pretty obvious from my blog title) but there are certain charms to a good story idea that's well executed and doesn't drag on for long, boring gigabytes of flat, tedious original characters and a stupid, uninspired planet of lame where SG-1 talks their way through an unsuspenseful situation and a pointless ending. (It was a Sam/Vala, BTW.)

As far as the definition of "gen", is there an implied rating limit? Because a story can be non-shippy but sexually explicit (non-cons, anyone?), as it also can be extremely violent and dark without any sex at at. And The X-Files (my letter of choice) universe can get pretty dark and violent and horrifying, what with the liver-eating serial killers and all.

STARGATE FANFIC: "Bookends, or Six Ways 'Til Sunday" Chapter 1/10

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:52:30 GMT

STARGATE: Daniel/Vala shipper v. anti-ship wank archive

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 11:14:49 GMT

OMG I'm having a flashback to the wank that abounded in the early days of The X-Files Shipper v. Noromo wars:

Daniel Jackson/Vala Mal Doran Ship/Discussion/Appreciation Thread on Gateworld

This is epic wank: 2004 discussion on how Vala tortured, abused, and sexually molested Daniel on the Prometheus, is a sociopath, and then some poor fan in Post #72 who reads the wank regrets having bought the DVDs if "that Stargates wonderfull new heroes that will replace Jack O´Neill and Sam Carter: A bunch of molesters and rapists????" without having seen the episode.

ROTFLMAO

Vintage wank, how I love thee! I need a spanking, and then I need Vala to make it feel better with that healing device.

STARGATE: Daniel auf Deutsch

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:11:35 GMT

Some of you on my FList might suspect this, but one of my big kinks is polyglots. The more foreign languages come out of someone's mouth, the more I swoon. Hence, my unreasonable fangrrling over Daniel Jackson.

Then I find this bit of porn: the helmet reveal scene from Prometheus Unbound IN GERMAN. OMFG. Daniel protesting "Nein, nein... nicht!" and Vala answering IN GERMAN and Daniel saying "Ein gluck."

I don't know who the vocal talent are doing the German ADR, but they cast actors with damned sexy voices. (The first 10 seconds are just the vid ripper's very weird sig.)

Only thing sexier is Daniel speaking po Russki -- I totally fall off my chair when he speaks Russian in Continuum.

FARSCAPE: Levitation turns me on.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:09:49 GMT

My Farscape: The Complete Series DVDs arrived a day early yesterday (of course while I was out) but it sure was nice that they were home waiting for me!

Oh, how I love them! I thought they'd be in those thin-packs, but it's even BETTER! Each SEASON is stored in one standard-thickness plastic case with 2 hinged double-sided "leaves" inside (I dunno the industry packaging term), accommodating up to 6 discs each when the sides are used for storage, for a total of 5 cases (1 for each season plus the bonus features).

There's no mini-episode-guide booklet (as with the Stargate: SG-1 Complete Series) because THEY PRINTED THE TITLE OF EACH EPISODE ON ITS DISC! Genius. Well, an obvious user-friendly feature that the dorks who did the packaging for the Stargate set didn't do.

Another nicety? The menu interface doesn't have THOSE DAMNED ANNOYING ANIMATED EXPLOSIONS every time you make a menu selection. OMG, on the old Farscape DVDs I rented at my local video store, the animated menu drove me batshit. It was... interesting... the first time I used it, then became a frustrating delay when I wanted space porn ASAP. So YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY to the new minimalistic menu and its ease of selection both on a TV screen and on a computer with a mouse.

Now, levitation:

Whenever Rygel appears onscreen FLOATING, I squee. There's just something about a levitating pain-in-the-ass that makes my day.

Could be that when I first saw the De Laurentis movie "Dune" and the swollen, dissolute Baron Harkonnen appeared, solving his mobility problems with a hydraulic suit that levitated him around, I fell in love. Only in speculative fiction do you get LEVITATING characters.

So when The Cigarette-Smoking-Prior levitated Cam in the Stargate SG-1 ep "The Fourth Horseman Part 2", I officially fell in love with Colonel Cameron "Camshaft" Mitchell.

MEME: TV Show

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:11:16 GMT

OK, OK! I relent to peer group pressure!

Rules:
- Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.
- Underline a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it.

7th Heaven
ALF
Alias
American Gothic
America's Next Top Model I make no apologies: the chicks are HOT.
Angel
Arrested Development
Babylon 5 I need to watch this.
Batman: The Animated Series
Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica (the new one) And this one.
Baywatch
Beverly Hills 90210
Bewitched I prefer the black-and-white episodes.
Bonanza
Bones
Bosom Buddies
Boston Legal
Boy Meets World
Brothers And Sisters
Buffy the Vampire Slayer I might buy the complete series one day...
Californication
Chappelle's Show Oh HELL yes! AND Carlos Mencia.
Charlie's Angels Again, not enough chicks-kicking-ass on TV.
Charmed
Cheers Frasier is HOT.
Chuck
Clarissa Explains it All
Columbo
Commander in Chief
Crossing Jordan
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Dark Angel Jessica Alba is HOT.
Dark Skies It was a lame X-Files rip-off, but I couldn't resist.
DaVinci's Inquest
Dawson's Creek
Dead Like Me Only 2 seasons? WTF were they thinking?
Deadwood
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Designing Women It was there. :-p
Desperate Housewives
Dexter
Dharma & Greg (I should've watched it because Jenna Elfman is HOT.
Different Strokes I was a kid, OK?
Doctor Who My first sci-fi TV obsession, back in the Peter Davison era. And Tegan ia a sexy babe.
Dragnet
Due South
ER Stopped watching when it got 'shippy, because I DIDN'T CARE.
Even Stevens
Everwood
Everybody Loves Raymond <-- What was the point of that show?
Facts of Life I was crushing on Jo.
Family Guy
Farscape And when the 20th of November arrives, I will be watching my complete series on DVD. Started because I saw Claudia Black in Stargate SG-1.
Fawlty Towers John Cleese OMG!!! And I own Monty Python's Flying Circus complete series on DVD.
Felicity
Firefly 1 season?!! FOX is run by a bunch of FUCKING RETARDED DOUCHEBAGS.
Frasier Oh Niles, you hot, gay little straight man...
Friends But I didn't like it that much.
Fringe
Futurama Bender/Zoidberg FTW!!!!!!
Get Smart I had such a big crush on Don Adams and Barbara Feldman.
Gilligan's Island I was totally crushing on The Professor and Ginger.
Gilmore Girls
Glee
Gossip Girl
Grey's Anatomy
Grange Hill
Growing Pains
Gunsmoke
Happy Days Jumped the shark, and entered TV history.
Hercules: the Legendary Journeys
Heroes
Home Improvement <--- nothing can induce me to watch that shit
Homicide: Life on the Street
House
I Dream of Jeannie I really liked Major Healy.
I Love Lucy Because it's Lucille Ball, dammit!
Invader Zim
Invasion
Hell's Kitchen
JAG
Jackass
Joey
Kim Possible
Knight Rider WHY WHY WHY? I loved the car and hated David Hasselhof.
Knight Rider: 2008
Kung Fu
Kung Fu: The Legend Continues
La Femme Nikita
LA Law
Laverne and Shirley There are just not enough chick roommate shows on TV.
Law and Order: SVU
Leverage
Little House on the Prairie Eh. Haven't watched it since I was little.
Lizzie McGuire
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Lost Stopped watching it after Maggie Grace's character died. >:-( Because I was afraid that Hurley would die, too.
Lost in Space oh HELL yes!
MASH One of the best-written shows EVER.
MacGyver <-- His mullet scared me when I was a kid.
Malcolm in the Middle
Married... With Children I was crushing on Peg.
McLeods Daughters
Melrose Place
Miami Vice
Mission: Impossible
Mod Squad
Monk
Mork & Mindy It was slightly science-fictional, and Robin Williams was cute.
Murphy Brown But I wasn't a fan.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 <-- I need to buy the DVDs.
My Life As A Dog
My Three Sons It was on after school.
My Two Dads
Mythbusters
NCIS
Ned Bigby's Declassified School Survival Guide
Nip/Tuck
Numb3rs
One Tree Hill
Oz
Perry Mason
Power Rangers
Press Gang
Prison Break
Private Practice
Privileged
Profiler
Project Runway
Psych
Pushing Daisies
Quantum Leap I should've watched more of this show than I did.
Queer As Folk (US)
Queer as Folk (UK)
ReGenesis
Remington Steele I was mesmerized by Stephanie Zimbalist's hair. And why isn't Moonlighting on this list?
Rescue Me
Road Rules
ROME
Roseanne
Roswell
Sanctuary I need to watch this.
Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? A horror cartoon on Saturday morning? I was that kinda kid.
Scrubs
Seaquest DSV
Seinfeld Who hasn't seen at least 3 eps of this show?
Sex and the City
Six Feet Under
Slings and Arrows
Smallville
So Weird
South of Nowhere
South Park I can't believe there are episodes I haven't seen, but we canceled our cable last year.
Spongebob Squarepants
Star Trek OMG It was an addiction in college.
Star Trek: The Next Generation Data, you sexy beast!
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Didn't watch enough of this one.
Star Trek: Voyager Yes, I crushed on Seven of Nine.
Star Trek: Enterprise Should've watched more of this one.
Stargate Atlantis I need to watch this.
Stargate SG-1 I'm working my way through the complete series, I promise. I started watching because the SciFi Channel aired reruns and I saw Claudia Black in "Unending" and thought "Why haven't I been watching this show?"
Starsky & Hutch
Superman
Supernatural
Surface
Survivor
Taxi Dude. Christopher Lloyd!
Teen Titans
That 70's Show
That's So Raven
The 4400
The Addams Family Gomez/Morticia = HOT SEX
The Amazing Race
The Andy Griffith Show Because my parents had it on...
The A-Team OMG I LOVED Murdock. He was the only reason I watched.
The Avengers
The Beverly Hillbillies (These "the" shows are making me look OLD.)
The Brady Bunch I wanted to see if Greg & Marcia would get it on. Srsly.
The Cosby Show I liked Lisa Bonet's wardrobe.
The Daily Show Jon Stuart, you rock my WORLD. Plus, The Colbert Report.
The Dead Zone
The Dick Van Dyke Show Because my grandparents watched it.
The Flintstones Because I thought Wilma and Betty were HOT.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air But I can't remember a single episode.
The Golden Girls but I didn't like it
The Honeymooners Because they were the proto-Flintstones.
The Jeffersons Not enough interracial couples on TV.
The Jetsons Jane is HOT.
The L Word
The Love Boat Isaac is HOT.
The Magnificent Seven
The Mary Tyler Moore Show Because the parents had it on.
The Monkees
The Munsters <-- But The Addams Family is WAY better!
The Office (US)
The Office (UK)
The Powerpuff Girls
The Pretender
The Real World
The Shield
The Simpsons Well DUH. I mean, d'oh!
The Six Million Dollar Man AND The Bionic Woman (1970s).
The Sopranos
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
The Twilight Zone Rod Serling is HOT.
The Waltons <-- that was under duress
The West Wing
The Wonder Years
The X-Files And I can name each episode PLUS who wrote it and fanfic that completes the missing scenes and pwn you on X-Files trivia.
Third Watch
Three's Company
Twin Peaks Kyle MacLachlan, you sexy beast. And Sherilyn Fen was the hottest babe on TV at time.
Twitch City
Unfabulous
Ugly Betty
Veronica Mars
Weeds
Whose Line is it Anyway? (US)
Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK)
Will and Grace
Wings Thomas Haden Church is HOT. I own the First Season of Ned & Stacey, BTW.
Xena: Warrior Princess

Farscape: Frell me dead

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:11:51 GMT

OMG OMG OMG OMG! 3 days to science fiction cocaine!

. . . . . . . . .

Greetings from Amazon.com.

We thought you'd like to know that we shipped your items, 
and that this completes your order. Your order is being 
shipped and cannot be changed by you or by our customer 
service department.

The following items have been shipped to you by Amazon.com:
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Amazon.com items (Sold by Amazon.com, LLC):

  1  Farscape: The Complete Series  $104.99               1  $104.99

Shipped via USPS

Tracking number: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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                          Item Subtotal:    $104.99
                 Shipping  and handling:      $2.98

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                                  Total:    $104.99

                       Paid by Discover:    $104.99

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via USPS (estimated delivery date: November 20, 2009).

Stargate SG-1: In Defense of Continuum

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:38:23 GMT

MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR STARGATE: CONTINUUM

A really long, 2-part Daniel/Vala manifesto with por-- er, photos.

Surviving Universe B

I just read a nice, melancholy Daniel/Vala fic by dvshipper titled "Inside This Shell", about how Daniel copes with life in the alternate reality where Ba'al has totally fucked up the timeline. The melancholy and despair of living in such a timeline was also my first impression of Continuum.

How could Mitchell, Sam, and especially Daniel survive emotionally in Universe B for a year without succumbing to a mental breakdown, or becoming an alcoholic?

But that's totally my reaction as a fan who adores all the characters and hates to see the Team in forced separation. It's gut-wrenching.

Then I thought about it much more: Sam copes because in Universe B, she knows there's a living Jack B (still married to Sara, with a living son Charlie), a Teal'c B who's still as nobly committed to freeing the Jaffa, and Cam A and Daniel A whom she'll be able to contact eventually.

Clicking these pix takes you to larger images with sarcastic comments.

Poor Cameron -- no family at all. Nothing. Tabula rasa. Amy B has never met him, but Sam A & Daniel A are still available, and I know he'd be able to contact them despite the new identity program because, well, he's Cam: a tenacious, resourceful guy.

Daniel, in Universe B, knows that somewhere out there, Shau'ri/Sha're B is alive -- possibly married off to some Abydonian dude, but never snaked. And that Sarah B has never been snaked -- and might possibly be with Daniel B. Vala B is alive with Qetesh B, and would survive an extraction, but would never have met SG-1.

The relentless optimism of the SG-1 characters throughout the entire series is what makes them truly heroic, and that does come through in Continuum. The hope they harbor is precursor to action; if you can't visualize a goal, how do you expect to achieve it?

The Daniel/Vala Relationship in Continuum

A lot of D/V shippers have criticized Continuum for lacking any real Daniel/Vala moments, but the moments abound on a subtle level. (Trust me; I’ve watched the DVD at least 10 times!)

First, there’s Daniel walking down the corridor with a pensive expression, most likely because Vala might’ve said “I’ll meet you all in the Gateroom”, and Daniel’s wondering WTF she’s up to.

Second, Daniel looks around the Gateroom for Vala while Siler gets Cam’s signature.

Third, there’s Daniel’s reaction to Vala when she enters the Gateroom carrying the portable energy cannon (Hints of Farscape’s Aeryn Sun + a big ass gun = GRRL SQUEE!) and his OMG look.

Fourth, Vala delivers her “witnessing an extraction is nothing compared to experiencing it” speech. Daniel raises his eyebrows and purses his lips like it’s Vala being histrionic, wallowing in angst. But “angst” she embraces, owns, and holds up as a trophy. It’s what I so adore about Vala! She survives because she treats trauma unconventionally, almost perversely, and looks at it sideways and upside down, keeping two steps ahead of it, the way she coped with the loss of the opportunity to mother Adria.

Bonus moment of Pretty: Vala's, Cam's, and Sam's eyes all gleam a beautiful blue in the light of the event horizon.

Fifth, during the extraction ceremony, Vala yawns with her mouth closed, and Daniel’s so aware of it that he can’t help yawning, too. Cuteness.

Sixth, when Daniel reassures Jack that the Tok’ra chanting is almost over, Vala perks up from her boredom to look at Daniel, then responds with a look on her face that seems to indicate that he’s right and she should’ve been listening instead of zoning out ~~fantasizing about group sex~~.

Seventh, they start bickering like an old married couple about host survival when Vala disappears.

Then Ba’al comes out of stasis and flaunts those gorgeous arms, riveting everyone’s attention, because damn, this fandom delivers arm porn like you wouldn’t believe, and Cliff Simon’s arm muscles are indeed magnificent. Ba’al’s obviously an NC-17 multiples fanfic reader, because he says “General Jack O’Neill and SG-1”, which is my favorite orgy combo, too. Er, where was I?

Ah, eighth: Ba’al asks about “my dear Qetesh”, and Daniel starts getting so territorial that Cam looks down and stifles a smirk at the alpha male pissing contest. (This screen capture doesn't show it, though. Go watch the DVD.)

Ninth, Daniel really presses the issue of Vala’s disappearance to the rest of the team, enough that Jack picks up on Daniel’s obvious anxiety by reassuring him (Jack/Daniel moment wootz!) with the bathroom-in-a-pyramid joke and Sam follows suit, reminding them that Vala might be more emotionally vulnerable than she appears (bonus Sam/Vala moment!).

Tenth, Daniel mentions Vala again after Teal’c disappears, adding to the grand total of Vala’s name spoken in the script: 7.

5 of the 7 times Vala’s name is spoken in Continuum come out of Daniel’s mouth!

Eleventh, when Team A meet Teal’c B in Russia, the contempt in Daniel’s voice when he says “Qetesh” indicates that the Goa’uld violating Vala’s body has never been far from his mind.

Obligatory pic of Qetesh, because she's so delectable.

Twelfth, back in Universe A, Vala and Daniel sigh at the same time while witnessing Ba’al’s death throes. It’s adorable -- a dying, squirmy eel juxtaposed with shipper cuteness. Yup, I roll like that.

Thirteenth, Vala ostensibly asks permission to stay behind to help Ba’al’s host, as though either the unselfish behavior she’s witnessed in SG-1 is rubbing off, or she just wants to touch those magnificent arm muscles on Cliff Simon – I for one can’t blame her.

Fourteenth and last, Daniel’s knowing smirk and comment to Teal’c about an “interesting afternoon” indicate that he knows that Ba’al’s host is gonna FREAK OUT and scream when he sees “Qetesh”, cutting short Vala’s humanitarian effort.

So there you have it – all 14 of my Daniel/Vala shippy moments in Continuum. Go to your bunks and dream up some pornographic fanfic for me to read now.

Stargate SG-1: Daniel Jackson geekgasm

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 17:10:11 GMT

Photos like this one give me a hard-on.

Dr. Daniel Jackson, looking relentlessly intellectual, wields a green dry-erase marker in front of a white board in the SGC briefing room in the episode "200". Two alien alphabets (Ancient/Atlantean and Asgard) border the bottom, and there's (GUH!) a partial derivative in the upper-right hand corner, and some three-space vectors below it -- clear evidence that he consulted Colonel-Doctor Samantha Carter on his lecture notes.

What's the third alphabet in the upper left, FList?

I hate my LJ Theme.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:10:38 GMT

I want to change my LJ theme, because I want my posts to have BLACK text on a white background in Verdana.

I've tried changing the CSS, but LJ isn't explicit on whether I'll be superseding a declaration in the cascade or replacing the entire style sheet, and I wind up with broken layout.

Isn't there a tutorial out there that's not CSS 101 (because I know CSS2 & XHTML), but LJ-specific? Or am I trying something only allowed on upgraded accounts?

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Cryptic Spam

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:34:18 GMT

SUBJECT: Your cock size will be written on your forehead.

MESSAGE: My eyes after about a week of using the product...

The stealth link in the spam goes to a penis enlargement pill website with not-safe-for-work before/after pictures, but no images of a guy with his measurements magically appearing on his forehead.

Damn those spammers with their false advertising!

Not quite as alarming as the spam titled "Miley caught giving 9 inches", though.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:59:16 GMT

Some sly jokester nominated my latest drabble "Halloween at Cam's" for a Words on the Wind award.

Although I'm flattered, it's not the best thing I've ever written (Daniel Jackson would have to be seduced and drunk to dress like Indy), and I'm sure it'll get crushed by anyone else nominated in its category.

I'm asked to select the category, because the nominator didn't. There's no "Crack" as a category, but "Humor" and "Holiday" seem safe enough.

Now the fun begins, because I'm gonna started nominating some of the peeps on my FList!

And on a funnier note, regarding THE SAME STORY:

We're sorry, but we've chosen not to accept the story you submitted to All Daniel Fic. Unfortunately, we feel it doesn't sufficiently meet the criteria of being Daniel-centric enough to fit in with the rest of our archived content.

Thanks for thinking of us and hope you find a home for it,

The ADF mods